A Low Point

If I did shrooms or acid or pot or even drank heavily--- Laos would be a lot of fun. But, I don't do those things-- and even if I did I would be risking the Laos death penalty-- and so Laos isn't alot of fun and I wish I were back in Pai.
Laos hasn't really lived up to the lofty expectations created by friends who had been. It's not there's "nothing to do" like my friends complained before they headed off to Vang Viene. Everyone said Laos was so friendly, but I don't see that at all. People here are hardened and suffering and I am looked at like the bratty westerner who can gallavant across the world with a grin on my face. I'm actually a little scared here.
This is the real third world and it shakes you up and breaks your heart. People here don't beg, but they don't try to bargain either, they'll take anything you'll give them. They lay out their hill-tribe wears and through sunken eyes say "Please Miss, you buy something? Please Miss, how much you can pay? How much you can give me?"
I'm really run down from the whole thing and at this stage, although I haven't said anything aboutmy bowel movements for your sake, I bet I have Giardiasis and have for a couple weeks. Yee haw. I know what I need to take for it, but none of the pharmacies here seem to understand me. I looked up a few generic names so we'll see.
Everything is just at a really low point right now. My new room is ensuite, so no window and I just lie in there under the fan and try to rest. I would have taken the 8 hour bus to Vientane this morning, but I feel so run down that I think I just need a day to rest before I really get sick-- after all, in my normal life I wouldn't be moving at such a clip. So I booked the bus for tomorrow morning.
Loneliness is such a strange feeling and it kinda sweeps up over you when you realize you haven't hugged another human body in days. Or, more to the point, been hugged.
And I'm realizing I'm not doing this whole travel thing like other people. I'm not going white water rafting or elephant riding. I'm so sad that I can't buy all the neat things that I see to give to people-- I just can't carry them with me alongside all the beat up smelly clothes that I wear every day. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I'll regret huge chunks of this trip. Like coming to Laos.
Or maybe, I should go get a cheap brunch, take a cold shower and lie back down under my fan for a day and cut myself some slack.